La La Land

When money falls into the hands of, how should we put it, the slightly eccentric, things can go dangerously awry as I learnt on our last charter. We were given a 10 day charter in the middle of our boss trip, what a relief…..or so we thought. We were about to find out how sorely mistaken we were.

Two days before their arrival, we were to expect 5 guests. The day before, it went up to 7. An hour before it went up to 8 and not long after back down to 5. Eventually it settled on 5 sleep on guests and 3 extra for dinner. The numbers weren’t the problem but the constant changing of plans should have been our first clue about the madness that was about to ensue.

That night we welcomed Madam, her husband, best friend, teenage daughter and friend. The first night went as smoothly as planned as we had the chief of police of Monaco on board, it kind of had to go according to plan. Although he was a very nice chap and didn’t seem to mind chaos too much as it came with him in the form of his 5 year old son (we were literally running after him). This evening lulled us into a false security that led us to believe that this was going to be the easiest charter ever, I mean, 4 stews, 5 guests, maybe a couple more, what could go wrong??

The next day is when the madness began. Now it is all very confusing as the charter was kind of upside down (awake all night, sleep all day) but I think this is how it went…..

View of the boat from Hotel Splendido

View of Hotel Splendido from the boat

We made the 6 hour trip to Portofino where the crew were treated to dinner at the Hotel Splendido. The best hotel in in Portofino required the best ensemble, so off we – I want to say trotted but we were, in fact, chauffeured, looking rather dapper. We were greeted with Belini’s (champagne and peach juice for those who don’t know), whilst listening to the live in-house pianist and made small talk with the teenagers about Justin Bieber (obviously), appropriate club wear and who the best comedians were. I cant remember what I ordered for a starter, so it couldn’t have been that good but the duck I had for main was delicious as was the strawberry tart for dessert. After dinner, feeling slightly fuller and slightly tipsy we returned smack bang to reality and off goes the gorge dress and on with the uniform. My night was made rather exciting though thanks to Tom and his fishing skills. He managed to hook an eel and bring it to the surface but  made the mistake of handing the rod to an inexperienced fisherman who let the bugger get away. I think this was much to Toms relief, he made no secret of the fact that he hated eels.

Not long after sunrise (around the same time we went to bed), we were heading for Nice airport, 6 hours in the opposite direction, to pick up another guest. And then back to Portofino again. And then back to Nice airport for some more guests and then back to Portofino again! We ended up making the trip 3 times in 2 days and clearly burning fuel (and shit load of money) was not their highest concern.

Sunset at anchor in Cannes

Amongst all the mad travelling, we also had slightly made guests. Madame was rather fond of rosè – slightly diluted in a huge glass which was drunk as a breakfast replacement and for refreshment throughout the day. There was also trails of vogue cigarette and jack daniels and coke (a splash of coke poured into a generous amount of jack, that is). Magnesium sachets were also taken at breakfast (rosè), ironically, to prevent complete bodily breakdown from alcohol abuse.

Husband was also quite an interesting character who was equally fond of the vino and had to be reminded everyday where his cabin was, despite it being the only one on the middle deck. When emerging for breakfast (around 12), my “bonjour” was greeted with what I can only describe as a kind of grunted “meeeeeehhhhh” sound and the sight of his shirtless torso – think shrek sized belly, sometimes pants-less and on one occasion wearing his wife’s shirt. Madame’s rather suspicious “best friend” couldn’t speak English (slight difficulty), always carried Madam’s money for her and argued with her like they were an old married couple. Lesbian rumours were hardly squashed when Madam revealed she hadn’t slept with her current husband….ever and after a particularly vino fulled evening and early morning gave Danny kisses on her neck.

Anyway after Nice airport we made our was to Bonafacio where we were treated to a lobster dinner at the islands best seafood restaurant. The lobster pasta was the best and the crumbed mussels are also a definite must-try!

The travelling circus then proceeded to Elba, against the captains wishes as there was a huge strom brewing just off the coast but what charter guests want, charter guests get! The next day I got to experience what the boys had been suffering all trip long – non-stop energiser bunny on a mission to fish water-sport and beat the boys to death. After some fun banana boating and not so fun but rather suicidal manta ray* riding, I walked away with a salt chafed throat, bleeding and grazed, with much higher respect for the boys.

The last day was by far the worst. Two-to-three meter swells, an 18 hour journey with guests who, in the midst of head-splitting crashes of crockery on the floor, vomiting guests and crew occupying all bathrooms, lethargic, seasick teenagers, asks you – who is basically K.O. on the sky lounge floor – in his slow grunty French bur: “ou est le van blanc” (where is the white wine). Most people in my situation would have brought their breakfast back up but luckily I hadn’t eaten for 24 hours so I stumbled over to Tom with a glass and he did the rest thankfully.

After what seemed like a life-time of craziness we waved goodbye to our guests, only to see them an hour later for dinner again. This charter really was lasting forever. So up the hill in Monaco we went to a quaint Italian restaurant where we were force fed not only heaps of food, but also bottles and bottles of wine and limoncello, which is the last thing you feel like after being seasick for 18 hours. Eventually after the longest dinner ever, half of which I found numerous different ways of disposing of countless shots of limoncello on the sly, it was home time. Very disappointingly and after all the cocktail making, cookie baking, mad water sports, drunken ramblings (we were the recipients), cleaning  and cooking critiques, crazy travelling and guests who took the phrase “make yourself at home” way too literally (sometimes eating dinner in the crew mess), we were left with nada.

The Last Supper

Its hard to believe that all this happened in the space of 10 days but as the title suggests, this really is a crazy world and I suggest to everyone who wants to become above financially stable, make sure you are also mentally stable or risk causing madness (and not the good kind) wherever you go.